A feverish rant

It’s been a while since I’ve cried so much, and while I type this, I feel the pain in my head throb and transport into my heart, breaking into a zillion pieces. I don’t really know what triggered the tears all of a sudden, it could be hormones, it could be the fever, it could be PMS, it could be the fear of getting menopausal 20 years down the line. I was looking at the screen and the next thing I know is I am crying. Usually the way it works is that something goes wrong, I think of it, and I start to cry. But it didn’t happen that way. I am still crying, and as I do that, I think of all the things that have gone wrong in my life- a job life gone amuck, relationships gone haywire, friendships turned sour, the driving theory exam I failed last year, the traumatic memories of paying tax returns instead of getting a refund, and the flight I missed to San Antonio two years ago. I wonder if this is how I am trying to process the sorrows inside me- things unspoken, things I have never told anyone. I feel vulnerable, it could be the fever, the sore throat, the all day weakness and not having eaten enough. It could be the trauma of grading a few math answer scripts in school where children have solved sums defying all laws and theorem. It could be that person who told me that he wishes I never get a student visa approved and stay in India [If he read my blog, he’d surely read a hate post about him right now]. I think of the only cricketer I have had a crush on though I couldn’t care less about cricket, and cry some more that he is married. I try to think of happy thoughts- think of Seattle, think of baby Kalyani, think of my sunshine car and all the road trips I have made with her [It’s interesting how I miss my life in Seattle and everything associated with it while I am low]. But deep within, my heart feels lacerated. And like a broken record, I keep weeping, with low intensity first, getting higher and higher till I lose energy, and then the cycle starts all over.

I am sure I will wake up with a bad headache tomorrow morning, but knowing me, I know this that I would have also had my sense of humor back by then. By tomorrow, I would have resurrected the walls against my own vulnerability that keeps me sane, strong, and going in life. What a relief that it is Sunday tomorrow and I don’t have to rush to school first thing in the morning.

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Pardon the non-sensical post. It's just hormones. Or fever.

sunshine