Monday, December 14, 2009


Friday was my last day in office. The weekend was terrible. I was all lachrymose and low spirited. Even the rain and cold didn’t help much. Someone gossiped to another person that my unemployment related status updates on Facebook are mostly to get some unnecessary sympathy and I should get a hold on myself. Like it usually happens in these girly conversations where the speaker always tries to extract a promise of “Don’t tell her”, word reached me sooner than expected. I was livid. Here I was dealing with this shit, and here I was being subjected to some serious moral policing.

Friday night I drove home alright, turned off the lights, and went to bed. Not that I could sleep. After hours of crying and sobbing, a friend was nice enough to take me out for dinner. I came home and cried more.

The same continued Saturday and Sunday. I was tired, grumpy, hungry, and irritable. I snapped a few times at a friend and rightfully got back some dose from him. It was a wrong idea to watch a depressing movie [Jail] and I ended up crying more. I don’t think I ate more than one meal.

Come Monday, I feel disoriented. I woke up at 7 as usual. Only there was no hurry this time. It’s amazing on how many occasions I have cursed myself about waking up early, dreamt of long vacations when I would sit idle at home and not do anything. When it happened, I was far from my dreamland.

I think this is my first day of unemployment ever in life. I mean bachelors led to masters, masters led to my teaching job, which led to US. US masters led to another job. I remember graduating on a Friday and joining the very next Monday. Lack of time was always the problem, never excess of it.

So I have spent all day cleaning my house, scrubbing, dusting, and moping. I realize there is no need to do that. But I need to keep my mind occupied, else I’d go crazy. Too many times the last few days I have been tempted to get my tickets for Florida. But traveling alone I realize is not my forte. I admire my friend who is just back from her 6 week long trip from India and Europe, all on her own. My childhood programming comes in my way of seeking bliss from traveling alone. “Eka eka jaabe na, bipod e pore jaabe” [Don’t venture out alone, you will be in trouble]. So said everyone I have ever known in my life.

I need to do something more meaningful. Try finding more jobs. Apply to more schools. Maybe get into a routine, develop a hobby, participate in an event. It’s insane to sit at home all day, staring at the grayness outside. I am not thinking straight enough to figure out what I should be doing to sort this state of inner chaos. But something has to be done soon.



Richa said...

I am so sorry to hear that there are such mean people in your Facebook circle. Please don't pay any attention to them.

I completely understand what you are going through, having experienced that first hand for six months few years back. Friends helped a bit though I kept away from commenting taunting acquaintances. I spent a lot of time in library reading different books (not necessarily fiction) but bottom line was that I didn't stay at home. That can increase the depression ten fold. Trust me. Get out. Find friends you like to spend time with. Take care of yourself and eat properly.

And don't worry, things will eventually work out. It always does even though it doesn't look like so now. And you will look back at these times and will know that you can survive anything. It's a good learning experience...

Ramya Velusamy said...

It is a phase. Be strong and be confident that you will pull it through. You are a very talented person and better things are in store for you. Develop a routine, Jog in the mornings or hit the gym. Go out and talk to people. You will never know what lies next.

Rakhi said...

This state of chaos is terrible for the spirit alright but even these lessons are valuable.
As for the question of travelling alone, - since you really want to go to Florida, don't you think it's unfair on the Sunshine I like, if you refuse to go just for the lack of company? Trust me, I may not have taken a month long vacation in Europe but I've travelled in Italy alone.
There's nothing as special, and the time alone is good for sorting out your thoughts too.
The best part is that the itinerary depends totally on your whims. If you're impulsive, then you'll have the time of your life.

Feel better soon. Hugs.

naween said...

take care. and all the best!

Uma said...

Ignore ppl who talk behind your back and also the ones who come to you and tell about such gossips. Remember that this is a phase and will pass (I know its easier said than done). But pls do take care. You need to eat and sleep properly to have enough of energy to fight your way back. I am not sure why I am writing a speech here when i will act in the very same way or worse that that if i have been in your situation. But girl, through your writing you have made a place in my heart and i do send my wishes to you. All the Best..