I Feel So Lost...

Good times, bad times... these are the toughest of times. Seems the US has gone bankrupt this year and has no fundings for international students. As Anurag Mathur claimed, the Americans will always be "inscrutable" for me. I wonder what's gone wrong. People have no financial aid, people are retiring, people have fully occupied labs, people want engineers, people want biomedical science graduates, people are on their sabbatical leave.......and mainly, people are not mailing back!

And some claim, "You have excellent academic credentials, but sorry, I have no lab space." Period. I wonder how the schools are still running and making business. Or is it that something is wrong in my field of specialisation? Undoubtedly this is a highly specialized area. But things can't be so bad. Even most Canadian schools have only an M.S. to offer and not a Ph.D as a terminal degree. Should I have gone for something more broad like ecology, biodiversity, maybe pharmacology? A little late to ponder upon.

So out of the 120 odd schools I mailed to (and that means a rough estimate of 600-700 mails), I can only bank on 5 schools now. Bank as in they will atleast read my application if I send one. The rest don't even seem interested.

It's scary... it sure is. Little did I imagine that things would be so bad. There has to be something fundamentally wrong with the situation. Thousands of students make it to the US every year. Something is definitely wrong somewhere.

Needless to say, I am stressed out. Scared. I feel so negative these days that I do not even dare to start on an SOP. I just can't sound negative in my SOP, things are already screwed up big time.

And the worst form of anticipation, the most tiring form of waiting one can do is what I am doing these days. What did they say about the results? August last week? And then September first week? Second week? Well, the latest date was today, Friday, September the 23rd. No news yet. Maybe next week. 

And then, people keep asking me the same questions. "When are you going to the US?" What am I to do? Take my score cards and mark sheets and hop on to the first plane available?

Its depressing, its scary. I am exhausting my finances day by day. Transcripts, stationery, books, couriers, every thing comes for a cost.

Sometimes I wonder if ambitions would be the cause of my nemesis. I am wasting the vital years of my life chasing the American Education dream. I feel so disillusioned. 

Its been months since I've had a bunch of friends to hang out with. Months since I've watched a decent movie. Months since I've wanted to sit by a lake and watch the water and the birds.

I am tired, I am scared, I feel desperately alone, I wonder how long will my finances sustain me. I still talk to people, I blog, But every thing is so mechanical these days. I get those blinding headaches almost everyday. Mornings greet me with the intense pain in my stomach I was so used to 4-5 years back. But doctors and medicines cannot cure ulcers, not unless you have a peaceful mind.

Maybe I need to take a break in life. I seriously do.

sunshine.