Need For Speed

I always knew I would be writing this post, but did not know it would be so soon. Driving comes with its own set of experiences and accomplishments. There is a phase of driving when you don’t know whether to kick on the left thing or the right thing to stop your car, and every car pulling up behind you scares the hell out of you. And then comes the stage when you hit on the gas and never look back.

Unless you see lights flashing behind you of course.

I have always scoffed at cars being pulled over the shoulder and getting speeding tickets. They always felt like the school children who the monitors had separated out of the crowd to be made to stand up on the bench and hold their ears just because they talked to much or did not do their homework. Being pulled over by the cops was the most humiliating experience for me. Or so I thought.

And then I graduated to the next level – the level of a seasoned driver.

It so happened that I was on my way to the durga puja celebrations. I was running late because of the usual reason. It took me quite a while to dress up, resplendent with the red sari and makeup, not to mention picking up friends, my new chore as a car driver these days. The venue was a good 45 mile away. I was finally mastering freeway driving and had just gotten onto I-5.

Thrilled to be leaving past the cars behind me, I changed lanes till I was in the leftmost lane, the lane for the high speeders. I was following a bunch of cars. After a few miles of driving, I saw a uniformed guy standing at a distance. I thought it must be the usual traffic guy, directing the drivers to drive to a different lane because of shoulder work going on. Even before I knew, the cars in front of me flew away while I was specifically asked to stop.

And that was my first speeding ticket.

He claimed I was driving at 74 mph on a 60 mph zone. Could be. But weren’t the cars in front of me doing the same? I was merely following them. Or was I a better target because I happened to be the last car in the row? And isn’t 74 permissible in a 60 zone when you drive on the fastest lane? No traffic, no congestion, okay I was speeding, fine. But couldn’t they let me go with a warning?

I was fined $144. Not a great news, given my lay off and financial condition. I might contest it in court. I might defer it for this is my first traffic offense. But I am definitely not intending to cough up the money if I can avoid it.

I realized it was so natural to step on the gas once you are a seasoned driver and not even realize you are speeding. I always thought if I ever got a ticket, that would be a slow driving ticket and not a speeding ticket. Somehow, I am happy I have joined the club of speeding ticket holders. Makes me feel like the rest of us.

In school, I always carefully avoided the group of ruckus creating children who did not do their homework and were made to stand up on the bench, holding their ears. Now I feel I have joined the club.

sunshine

Chain of Thoughts

I have moved apartments. It is ironical, how unemployment got me an even bigger house to live in, thanks to G. It does feel alien at times, staring at the ceiling as I try to put myself to sleep. Sometimes when I wake up, it takes me a while to recollect where I am. A different bed, a different home, even the house smells different (though a lot better than my apartment).

So late last night as I stared at the ceiling, putting myself to sleep, I started thinking about the same things, reflecting on what I have been doing with my life all this while. I remember when I quit my job in India, my school principal and my employer had told me that if I ever decide to come back, I’ll have a job. It felt great then. So what was it that went wrong here? Certainly not lack of effort or ability. It’s high time I stopped blaming myself for unknown reasons- maybe I didn’t work hard, maybe I wasn’t good enough.

So what next? I could get another job, which I have been trying, but without much results. I skimmed through the website of one of the coveted government agencies here, which boasted of “Equal opportunity for all, we encourage diversity”. I scroll down a little more to get to the “positions open” section to see the “requirements”- “U.S. citizens only”. Damn !!! So much for equality and diversity !!

I have reverted to deep philosophy of late. I was totally in love with my job and didn’t want to give it up for anything. It was not so much of the job profile and it was for the additional things it gave me – money, security, a sense of worth, and of course a chance to live in my favorite city. But once that was gone, I have started to question if I really loved the job, or was it more of the comfort I liked. Was it time to move on, to give up the comfort and to explore something new? Is it a good idea to apply to school for next year and finish my PhD? Do I really want to continue in this field, or should I explore something new? I have been asking these questions a lot of late, but of course without any answers.

Time will tell.

PS: Thank you everyone for your wishes and thoughts. I do feel supported :)

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Downsizing

7 days ago, I couldn’t imagine in a thousand lives what my life would be 7 days from then. I was happily camping in Montana, never realizing that the next weekend I would be doing things different. For the first time this summer, I haven’t taken advantage of the good weather to do something outdoor. Instead, I’ve stayed home, finishing office work, looking for a job, and most importantly, packing. I am leaving home to relocate to a friends place closer to office, so I can spend lesser time and money on commute. G is out of town and let me stay at her place for as long as I need.

This is the first step I’ve taken towards downsizing and cost cutting. I have been packing clothes, food, and whatever I need. I don’t want to think about my apartment, because I miss it already. I have gone through the vicious cycle of being glum, feeling low, breaking down to tears, and then holding myself up and packing again. I don’t know what I will do with my apartment, maybe put it up for someone to take over the lease, sublet it, let it go, I don’t know. Ironically, packing has been fun during the numerous other occasions this summer, when I have gone hiking, camping, sightseeing, visiting other cities. Packing is definitely not fun this time. It is a sore, emotional issue for me.

I also cleaned the house and sorted out the clothes and shoes that I will donate to Goodwill. I have been meaning to do this for a while, but never really found enough time so far. I think I had acquired far more clothes and shoes than I am going to need. My apartment looks less cluttered now. My life has never looked more cluttered.

I thank everyone for your good wishes and your comments. Its been a difficult 4 days, but it feels good to know that there are people who feel your pain and pray for you though they personally don’t know you. I have cherished reading each and every comment.

Till next time.

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The Others

While growing up, I have witnessed a steady traffic of strangers aka temporary residents in our house. These were the uncles and aunties who came and stayed with us for a couple of days, weeks, maybe months. Frankly, I never did like the unknown faces that lived in the house, ate with us, and laughed with us. Some of them were office colleagues who were trying to find temporary accommodation, some were distant relatives trying to find a new home or job in the city, and some were even more distant relatives who according to me had no business of staying with us. This is one thing about dad, that he never did turn down anyone, never told a no to anyone. Anyone and everyone was welcome to live with us.

More than two decades later, I don’t think I am doing anything different. First, I hosted 2 people who were interning here and happened to be my cousin’s friends. Then I am currently hosting a new student who is starting school, till she finds a place to call home. 3 years ago, someone hosted me, helped me get used to the ways of the new country, and made my adjustment a lesser bother. I try to do the same by hosting someone at my place every year. And what do I get out of it?

Company. Friends. Observing someone at close quarters, seeing how similar and how dissimilar our lives are. I get to talk about so many things, learn so many things from them. It is not quite as having a roommate, it is better. With a roommate, there is a compulsion of staying together, even though you want to tear your hair or beat your head against the wall every time you saw them. You don’t have to be diligent about taking turns cooking. There are no such rules per se. You can still lead your normal life and have temporary company at the end of the day.

So far, I have enjoyed temporarily hosting people at my place. Yes, there were times when I longed for my own space, longed to come home and not see anyone. But the fun of living with someone has outweighed my solitary life cravings. Maybe we all are lonely, and desperately seeking company in whatever form. Who knows?

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2 days into berozgaari

48 hours. Thankfully, I still have a few more days before I can wrap up work. But 48 hours of knowing that I am about to lose my job has been miserable. I have been wavering from extreme anxiety and depression to extreme lightheartedness. I start the day feeling scared and anxious, which goes up to feeling free and unburdened, and then it goes down to feeling nothing at all, till the anxiety comes back. Sometimes I laugh hysterically, sometimes I just refuse to talk to people and answer phone calls. They ordered my favorite chicken karahi yesterday and I didn’t touch a bit of it. Food made my stomach churn. I think I am going crazy.

I have been having profound conversations with myself. Sometimes, I am glad that it is over, that I have the freedom to choose my life my own way now, free of the bondages of analyzing medical reports and consulting on health related issues. I could write a book, join French class, learn a new skill, or just take some time off and reflect. On the other hand, I am not so glad about what happened, mainly because money is going to dry out eventually, and my temporary visa status is going to complicate my stay here. Ironically, I just rejected a PhD admit from a good school 6 months ago, just because I never thought I’ll have to look beyond my job.

Which brings me back to my earlier theory proven to me again and again. Nothing in life remains the way it is. Everything changes. Every comfort vanishes, leaving behind a sense of insecurity. I was contemplating acquiring property in Seattle a few weeks ago, and now I am not even sure if I have to pack up stuff in a car and drive to the hinterlands of Topeka, Kansas (just an example) to start a new life there.

The good thing is, I am single, unattached, so where I go or how I start my life doesn’t really matter. The bad thing is, I am single, unattached. No visa sponsoring, green card or citizenship holding husband. No real support system to fall back on.

Good that I learnt to drive in the meanwhile. Would have felt a lot more useless if I had to be chauffeured around.

The amazing thing is I am not scared to drive after I was told about the layoff. Honestly. It seems all my fears have changed compartments, from the fear of driving to the fear of surviving and not earning. The last 2 days, I have driven my car with super confidence. I feel a lot more mature on the roads now.

Just random thoughts from here and there as I wrap up work in office.

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3 Years

Exactly 3 years ago, I left for the U.S. today. It’s been an eventful journey so far, enjoying graduate school life and then work life. An enriching experience full of commendations, rejections, laudations, mixing, adjusting, and learning new survival skills, not just in professional life but also in personal life.

And when I looked back and thought I had seen it all and done it all, little did I realize how far from the truth I was. I was thankful to have a job even when the economy went crazy. I read about people who lost their jobs and told myself, “This will not happen to me, I shall be safe”. I did not realize that I am not the “chosen one”, and anything that affects my surroundings is bound to get to me sometime.

This week, barely one year into my job, I lost it. I was laid off, just like many people who were told their skills were no longer required. I went through a gamut of emotions- shock, scare, shame, self-doubt, anger, helplessness, and everything mixed up to be one emotion I barely identified with. With time, I just got detached from the pain.

I am back to my job hunting schedule. It’s scary, not having a job, the constant anxiety and the sense of panic that comes with that. Ironically I was telling a friend the other day that despite the Monday morning blues, I am grateful that I have a job to look forward to in this shitty economy. Now, I no longer do.

I realized that I could perhaps use my blog as a medium to de-stress myself, to pen down my thoughts and fears and concerns so that I could see things in a more objective way. For once, I am definitely leaving no stone unturned to make sure that I get back my rightful place in the industry. Till then, life will continue to be as whimsical as it has been. At least I now know that I could not have been immune and unaffected by the shitty economy that we are in the middle of right now.

sunshine