Sunday, May 04, 2014

My Graduation Ceremony: Why I wanted to go, and why I will not go.

May 17, 2014. That is the day when all the graduates from my institution will be attending their graduation ceremony. When I was a student there, every year, I would attend the ceremony, camera in hand, because another friend would be graduating. I would take their graduation pictures, cap and gown and regalia. On a hot May weekend, I would stand in the sun, watching the graduates parade the ground, listening to the guest speaker give their lecture, and feeling inspired for being a part of a top US institution (my university is actually an original Public Ivy League school). To me, it is a matter of pride, a sense of belonging, a way of life I have chosen for myself. I could be a school teacher or a sales manager or a PR person, but I voluntarily chose to be a researcher at an academic institution.

I always dreamed about what it would be like, attending my own graduation ceremony. I know people who never bothered to attend theirs, and I wondered why. I have even flown to a different city to attend someone else’s graduation ceremony, whose family was not going to be there, because I did not want them to feel alone. Yes, I have done things like that. Because to me, it is nothing short of a huge achievement. An achievement which is not celebrated enough.

If I had decided to marry in my twenties, or even decide to do it now, there would be a huge week-long celebration. Hundreds of relatives will breathe a sigh of relief that I have finally come back to my senses and a getting married, congregate from different parts of the country, eat and drink for days, and bless me. There would be good food and good music. Much to my dislike, I know that my father has a separate budget in his savings kept for the occasion. He is not going to give me the money (which is a substantial part of his savings). Instead, he will use that money to buy me expensive clothes and jewelry, invite a few hundred people and feed them, hire photographers and catering services, buy flowers and decorations worth many a thousand rupees, and marry me off. And what have I done to deserve this celebration? Just found myself a husband, nothing more than that. I did not clear entrance exams, did not ace competitive exams, did absolutely nothing. But I would still be worth the week-long, expensive celebration.

Now think about this. Almost nine years ago, I worked day and night to ace my GRE. I got into a top ranking university in Seattle. I worked harder, attended classes, learned my subjects, aced my exams, and the drill continued for two years, until I graduated with a master degree. Then I worked in the industry for a bit. And decided to go back to school again, and finish my PhD. This time, I moved to the other coast, joined a top university again, worked hard day and night, did everything one needs to do, and finished my PhD in a little less than three years. Now given the amount of celebration for a wedding, and the amount of celebration getting a PhD makes me worth, what do you think happens? Does my father buy me diamond jewelry, invite a few thousand guests, and throw a party? No. Actually, they would not even make it to my graduation event, because India is far away. So on a bright and sunny May morning, I would don my cap and gown, and receive my degree with absolutely no one to cheer for me. No one. Sure, a few friends might show up, and take me to a local restaurant. My adviser might tell me a few words of encouragement. But nothing more than that is going to happen.

This is what makes me so sad. That in my family, getting married is valued more than getting an education, being independent, mastering a subject, being a student of two world renowned universities, getting a PhD, and creating my own identity.

So I thought to myself, forget parents. Forget the celebrations. Forget the makeup person and photographer. I will celebrate my own success, alone, like I have done so many things in life. When my sister got married a few years ago, I was appalled at the amount of money that was spent on junk- flowers and unwanted guests and lighting and clothes and what not. My sister, who works and is financially independent, let my dad blow off a lot of money for the celebrations. Because she thought she deserved it, and it was my dad’s duty to do it. And my dad was happy doing that, marrying my sister off. And during the same occasion, I was harassed and bullied by God knows how many people, who did not understand why I am not showing any interest in getting married, and doing a PhD instead (note: I don’t see a PhD and a wedding as mutually exclusive events). I tried to let go of the hurt, and think rationally about why people had that mindset. Maybe because it is an age old tradition to celebrate marriages, while women during those days did not do PhDs, so getting an education was not valued. I don’t know.

Even now, look at the amount of celebrations that go for weddings and baby showers and thread ceremonies and engagements and birthdays of the little ones. And look at the amount of celebration that goes for getting an education, getting a degree, and being smart. The comparison is stark.

So even one year back, I was decided that I would go for my graduation (note: If you graduate after May, your graduation ceremony happens the following May). But a few months ago, I changed my mind.

Because I graduated, and I moved 1,200 miles away. That is roughly the distance between Kolkata and Mumbai, without direct flights. I would have to change flights at least once, if not twice. And it would cost me $500. Also, for a weekend ceremony, I would have to fly out on a Friday, and return on a Monday, which is taking out two vacation days from my 12 days/year vacation time. The time and money, I could not justify, not to mention the exorbitant amount of the graduation gown. You know, I have heard many people say that the honeymoon should be right after the wedding. If you wait too long, you would never end up going. And I saw the same thing happening. This year long gap had put my focus in different directions now. I was over my initial high of getting a PhD, and was sufficiently busy in my new job. But all these reasons aside, there is one big and only reason that finally convinced me that I will not go attend the ceremony. The money and time are resources that can be replenished. So I would have gone eventually. But something happened, that totally changed the way I perceived my graduation ceremony.

I decided not to go for my graduation, because I am convinced that my PhD has not adequately prepared me to find gainful employment. Eight months into finishing my PhD, I am desperately looking for my next job, and keep getting rejected all the time. The visa is a pain, an apt description of what it is. My adviser might have written me reference letters, but he has done nothing to connect me to the right people, or to reabsorb me in his group. I have had occasional supports from here and there, but overall, I have been on my own through this mess. Parents didn’t understand, adviser didn’t care, and another professor made fun of it and asked me to find an American boyfriend.

Which created a disconnect with the excitement I had of celebrating my very own and only achievement of this magnitude. It was my very analysis of the situation that perhaps my PhD has not prepared me well enough to find a respectable job in the field. Forget a faculty position, I am unable to find even a postdoctoral position. I mean, how hard can it be? It’s not that I am not looking hard enough. It’s not that I am not smart or do not know how to get the work done. Some things in life do not make any sense, and this is one of them. I finished my degree in record time, am actively publishing and presenting at national conferences. Still I am unable to find anything. It is a puzzle to me. Somehow, the pieces do not add up.

So May 17, I will be home. It was a hard decision, but a practical one. I think that I am better off saving money for the rainy day. Too bad, I cannot walk the ceremony next year. If I had a job by now, I would go back to attend the ceremony in a heartbeat. But right now, it doesn’t seem right.

It is one of the hardest decisions I have ever made. But I am at peace with my decision, because it seems like the right thing to do given the circumstances. The path I have chosen for me is not appreciated by a lot of people around me, and I will have to be okay with that. Perhaps in another life, I will get a PhD, and then my dad will invite hundreds of people and there will be weeklong celebrations, dance and music, good food and a lot of photographs. Not in this life. And in this life, when the situation is better, when I have some more money and lesser worries, I will celebrate by going backpacking somewhere nice. Maybe Alaska. Maybe Europe. Perhaps South America. I know that I will celebrate someway. Just that I will not walk my graduation ceremony.


sunshine

9 comments:

Sachin Phadnis said...

Smart & honest decision. I felt the same helplessness when I graduated. Looking back - It would have been great to understand that networking is the most popular way of sneaking into a job in the US.

Rajarshi said...

Hello,

Quite a reflective post. Your FB posts hardly give an inkling that so much is going on.

You are probably right about many things in life not just adding up. Here's wishing you that you may get what you are seeking. May the sun be gentle on your brow. I say that the sort of life you have lived over past decade or so itself is an accomplishment - not that you don't know that. :)

You are also right about the differences in the way we celebrate marriage and education esp in Indian context. Marriage celebrations are ostentatious to the point of vulgar in India because we feel the need to live up to the expectations of - what else - but society. Not that wedding feasts are any different in the West but at least they restrict the number of guests to close family and friends. :)

In another context, I always felt Americans make too much of a deal out of graduation ceremonies. So, I probably belong to the other club. :)

I am also increasingly feeling that most of what passes as formal education in today's world hardly equips you with essential life skills. A job may be but not happiness or fulfilment but that is a story for another day.

All the Best.
With Best Wishes,
Rajarshi

Alpine Path said...

Loved this post! I totally get why its weird that people are not celebrating hard won achievements like degrees but are spending lakhs of money on junk for weddings and baby showers. However, I've come to understand that those celebrations are more like the sweet coating of bitter medicine. The medicine is good for you but is bitter. So we put a sugar coating on it so we can take it. Similarly with weddings (there are sure to be fights and problems), baby showers (years of poop and messiness and other issues), etc. Even birthdays (which is a stark reminder of a year closer to old age and infirmity and closer to death day) are kind of celebrations to sugar coat the horrible fact :| The harder the medicine, the larger the celebration.... And for those that where there is a possibility of escape, the celebration is even larger. That is why weddings and baby showers/baby related festivals are more grand than birthdays. Everyone has to go through the latter while people can choose to not get into marriages and not have babies ;)

In the case of marriages and babies, they are needed to grow the human society (otherwise we'll be extinct!) but they also come with so much pain and distress that to entice a large amount of human population to do it, all these bells and whistles are needed. So, the days you fight with your spouse, the lovely wedding and the happy memories associated with it can tide you over that bad patch. The nights your kid screams without sleeping, you can remember all the happy memories associated with baby showers and baby special events and remember this is a phase. So its a psychological backup for all the pain that will eventually come after the ceremonies.

I still wish people celebrated hard won achievements and let the person choose whether he/she prefers spending for the wedding or for the phd graduation but I guess human life can go on without degrees and professional achievements but will become extinct without marriages and babies. So maybe its the way human society protects itself!!

Alpine Path said...

Loved this post! I totally get why its weird that people are not celebrating hard won achievements like degrees but are spending lakhs of money on junk for weddings and baby showers. However, I've come to understand that those celebrations are more like the sweet coating of bitter medicine. The medicine is good for you but is bitter. So we put a sugar coating on it so we can take it. Similarly with weddings (there are sure to be fights and problems), baby showers (years of poop and messiness and other issues), etc. Even birthdays (which is a stark reminder of a year closer to old age and infirmity and closer to death day) are kind of celebrations to sugar coat the horrible fact :| The harder the medicine, the larger the celebration.... And for those that where there is a possibility of escape, the celebration is even larger. That is why weddings and baby showers/baby related festivals are more grand than birthdays. Everyone has to go through the latter while people can choose to not get into marriages and not have babies ;)

In the case of marriages and babies, they are needed to grow the human society (otherwise we'll be extinct!) but they also come with so much pain and distress that to entice a large amount of human population to do it, all these bells and whistles are needed. So, the days you fight with your spouse, the lovely wedding and the happy memories associated with it can tide you over that bad patch. The nights your kid screams without sleeping, you can remember all the happy memories associated with baby showers and baby special events and remember this is a phase. So its a psychological backup for all the pain that will eventually come after the ceremonies.

I still wish people celebrated hard won achievements and let the person choose whether he/she prefers spending for the wedding or for the phd graduation but I guess human life can go on without degrees and professional achievements but will become extinct without marriages and babies. So maybe its the way human society protects itself!!

Mishti said...

You are a brave woman, Sunshine. Myself, Satish (that 'SAS God' guy), and Madhavi are your ardent fans! :-)

About "That in my family, getting married is valued more than getting an education, being independent, mastering a subject, being a student of two world renowned universities, getting a PhD, and creating my own identity", I say: India is still writhing in pain with such mind-sets, including my own family & several others.

You are indeed inspiring a lot of Indians...to introspect and come out of their own shackles.

Congratulations once again in your Graduation, Sunshine :-) It IS a big deal...and am truly proud of you !!

God bless you.

A said...

Aw.. I feel bad for you. But you know you have achieved something which most people are scared even to dream off. So cheer up and hope you find a great job soon.

take care
Arpita [a silent follower of ur blog]

Syrals said...

First and foremost Congratulations!

I don't know if you remember me. I used to be a regular reader of yours but lost track when I got busy. Just visited today and oh wow so pleasantly surprised and happy for you. That you are graduating soon and now hold a doctorate. Don't give up hope on that dream job though. It is bound to come by soon.

I am with you on that backpacking adventure. :) Hope you get to do that. It will be a rewarding experience for sure.

Take care and know that you are an inspiration for many readers.

-Syrals

sunshine said...

Wow, I did not know that so many people still take the time to read and comment on my blog. In fact in this age of FB and Twitter, it's amazing that people still read blogs, and reach out to almost strangers. :) Thanks for the graduation, too bad I am not going, but that does not belittle the achievement.

Syrals, of course I remember you. I remember everyone who comments or writes to me. :)

Rajarshi, FB is not the place to show that your wounds are bleeding. It's a crazy carnival sort of place and most people do not care. People who do care, I write them mails and call them. FB wall is not the place. :) However, blogs are different. They are like personal diaries. I do not solicit readers. People read because they want to read, and somehow identify with me. It is not a self-selected group of friends, which makes blog readers more meaningful and worthy in many ways. :)

Mr.D said...

Hi Sunshine,
Marriage is a celebration for the hardwork you will do after marriage for the whole society and you . It is just to encourage you. It is something like Frosh week in university. You will never graduate from marriage until death.

Cheers